word vomit

it's too cold to sleep tonight
We could freeze to death I warn
It's so hard to want to fight
When you wish you were never born

This time you're gonna have to choose
You can stick with me, but you're gonna lose
But it's the same thing that I hear
Ya can't go home and ya can't stay here

And I'd do anything it takes
I wish that I could change it all
But I'll drown in the pain of my mistakes
Cause when I'm done searching, you know I'm gonna fall

We'll get a bottle to keep us warm
A little fuckin' shelter from the wicked storm
But it's the same thing that I hear
Ya can't go home and ya can't stay here - Leftover Crack


It's not that I miss home. It's not that things are particularly shitty here.
I just feel trapped.
knowing imma spend 4 years here and get24,000+ dollars in debt and a useless liberal arts degree. and do what with it? be a social worker? no that requires grad school and fuck me if im gonna do that. I want to learn "the secret" of the kids in brooklyn. how the fuck dont you gotta job and can afford an apartment and food on your'e plate so you can do activism and be so fucking free. i'm a liar if i say i'm not the least bit envious because i'd kill to live without a job so i could devote myslef doing anything i want.

i have aquaintances here no one who's really a friend.
and i can't do clique but thats the way the world works. everyone' gotta click and i jsut wander without any 'friend insurance" security.


i'm not miserable here. i just feel like somehting is "off" and i should be doing something else, like living for the moment. instead of succumbing to an institution because i dont know what it is i want to do. i'm waiting for something life changing. i want to paint. instead im taking classes im not passionate about public speaking, some mandotry freshmen bullshit intro course, and anthroplogy. anthro's not bad. but everything else i can live without.
and and especially cause i keep hearing all this shit. the eric mcdavid case, the parade without a permit, so much stuff, rod cornado, etc and i'm so...idle. that's it. i hate idle-ness and i feel i've reached a plateau in my life. i really hate comrpisieng myself to anythign wether a perosn or shcool. it feels like bondage.

Conclusion

I do have an alcohol problem. I've had 2 black outs and 2 hospital rides in the past year.
because of drinking excessivley. and i dont want this ti ruin/ take over my life. yet i hate the feeling of being told I can't have something, even if it's me doing ht telling. I hate limitation. My tarot card is the Trump card for excess and impulse; The Devil. I like extremes because it makes me feel so alive.
I like fucking letting go.
And my problem is I have to get drunker than others to feel satisifed with my drunkenness.
I talked to devyn about this for a good while. he was so supportive as usual.
and gave metips to control my drinking and let me know that this wasn't the end of it all.
I can take control of my decisions and actions. I have made the choice to cool down on the partying. I'm happy because today although getting offered a million times and getting made fun of for taking "wuuuaaater" (yes mock my new york accent) instead, i didnt take the whiksy or beer offered to me.
granted I got high instead. but I don't have a problem with weed.
I can control that, and although quite high i made the decission to leave and not smoke past a number of hits.

tommorow i wake up early to donate blood and go swimming with Nea. then farenheit 451 and public speaking. then the radical foods group. I am so inspired in campous. we have ac ommutntiy garden, a free store and its completely rad!!and we may be starting a food not bombs which im thrilled about.


I hope I can keep this promise to myself not to drink. it helps that I havent gotten to the point of physical addiction.
It would ge great to have a support group to go to. but AA is for 12 stop "give up power" motherfuckers. and believing in a higher power christian shit. which doesn't work for me.

Knox

so finally moved in!! this will complete my one week stay at college. i like it here. a lot of radical acitvism and cool peeps. theparty scene is a little dry mainly because theres been alcohol busts like woah this yearon the frats:(
but whatever will make do.
i met this guy who is kind of dreamy.
and im a sucker for boys with a dark demeanor, and he has that. and he's a scorpio which kills me even more.

jordan is still in the picture i guess as a polyamourous lover. hye plans on visiting,. yay. going to try to stay on top of my studies. do activismk especially with estuiantes sin fronteras, an anti-border and anti-imperialism group.
oh yeah and party. althoough im very self concious about my relationship to alcohol.