I'm Warmer Each Minute, Warmer Each Hour, You're Gone.

So, right now, I'm back from a benefit I just went to for Joaquin Cienfuegos of LA Copwatch. Like a week ago went to a fundraiser for a friend, Jonah, who is being held at a detention center and is in need of support.
In the past year, I've met the most bad ass human beings ever at school, in the city, at the drop in center I intern at, at conferences, through letters, etc.
Cause since I was 14, activism has been this constant sporadic thing, even when I feel like abandoning it, finding it's way back and I bounce back.
So fuckin, like I've met the raddest of the rad cause I needed to fill this really huge void, and still do.

On the way back , from benefit to benefit, political-prisoner letter writing, road trips to convergences, I started bawling today waiting for the 11:32 train home.

A friend of mine, of 5 years, we have a real intense relationship. So intense we both can't fucking stand it anymore in our own way.
Like, this person liked me before I liked me, thought I was pretty when i hated everything about me. She never left me alone, cause I hated being alone. She was what kept me stable even though it would exhaust her and she wasn't. She always made sure I was safe, and I know that you can't repeat a relationship like that because you can't replace a person.

And like as of a year ago we stopped talking. I got arrested. She bounced. She says she was lost, i say she bounced, it doesnt mattr at this point it's ancient history. Anway this triggered 5 years worth of hurt feelings and fights we never head. we tried to make things better and 7 months went by until we spoke again. We both missed us i guess, so we tried to patch things up with "I love you"s cause i really fucking do.
Just cause we missed us and want things to be back the way they were doesn't mean that our wishing it is going to bring us back to being vulnerable 15 year olds.

And now an entire year has gone by and we are back at square one of not talking. I miss her the same way I did when I got arrested and couldn't call her or hold her. But it doesn't hurt as much.
I've kept busy this past year cause i didnt want to miss her, cause the thought of her not in my life is fucking terrifying. And feeling sad for a year gets exhausting. So I organized trips to protests, went to guatemala, fell in love (in a nonsexual manner for the most part haha) with absolutley all of my new friends, gardened, learned new things, and tried to make my daydreams of anarchy for real.
So in all this keeping busy, I failed in 'filling' the void. cause no one compares to her.
No one feels like her, has her sense of humor, or knows me like that. No one has ever pissed me off that much either.

She took a part of me, and I can't find it with all the different 100s of experiences I've had to stop me from thinking about her.

So I will never have that again or be that person I was with her, and she sure as hell won't either, we've both changed a whole lot for better or worse.
And the experiences I've had has made me change into a person who will be okay with out her. Cause even though no one filled the void, all the experiences I've had have led me to new ways of being happy, and made me s much stronger. Now things don't hurt as much. And being without her isn't terrifying anymore, I've learned to be okay.