Minor Existential Crisis

what am I doing here in Galesburg, in the assfuck middle of know where, 900 miles away from home?

cause my whole "live each day as though it were yr last" policy is not holding up right now. and I'm thinking, "how did I get here?"
Here as in having a million meetings, having a PLANNER, tiptoeing around passive aggressive people, having scheduled times to eat, and living this structured life. I HATE SCHEDULES.

I know, i sound/am a brat.
I am privileged to be on this computer and receiving a college education. I believe the statistic is that only 1 in 100 people world wide have access to both. and it also says even more about privilege the fact that i enough people that have access to both these things, that i would feel out of place if i DIDN'T have it.

I acknowledge this. I really do. and that is part of why I am here. because I was born in country where the majority of it'sp people can't even dream of doing what I am doing. because my mother, grandmother, most cousins, and family members in Peru never had this oppurtinity, to recieve this education and options to travel wherever i want. Because I know the pride that bring to my family, to know that "one of them" made it that far, I can't quit out.

cuz it's not just my ass and my pride, it's theirs. and I can do whatever the fuck i want with myself but when it's their hopes, expectations and dreams, I cannot/ will not fuck with that.

and I'm not bitching about it because "it's hard". It's challenging but I LIKE MY CLASSES so that's not the problem. I can't really pinpoint it either.

Thing is, I never wanted to go to college. ever. because I hate institutions and when I was in high school i felt like a stray dog with her tail between her legs. and college is different form high school, yeah i know. but it's not for me. It's not and I've known this for a long time. I knew this when I was filling out applications two years ago. I knew it when I dropped out of Earlham, I knew it when I was cutting classes at Queens, and I know it now when I'm getting A's on midterms and organizing events outta my ass.

Like, it's not worth debating because I'm NOT going to drop out or anything. I'm going to graduate and have the BS degree the end.

But what after that, become a social worker and have 2.5 kids and a white picket fence?
i feel that somehow that has pushed itself somehow, by conditioning me to structure via school.

like since when did I want a 'career'?

shit. I want change. and I thhough thats what I would try to do as soon as I got this whole school shit out of the way. but it seems fucking impossible because after the school shit theres the job shit. and I don't know.
I want the freedom to leave and go as I please. and when Im stuck in structural shit like shcool, monogamous relationships, etc I feel like I can't do that.