Resist Psychic Death

so I was just looking at http://www.jenjmay.com/
a web page with the art work of this girl I used to talk to a lot while in high school and I was looking at her art, which had always moved me cause it''s awesome. And I felt nostalgia.
cause I remember liking creating shit.
Not being to burnt out to do anything.

I really want to grasp on to "life" back. take control of it, own it, do what I want with it. instead getting swept along with it like everyone else in this Prozac country.

I feel desperate. But apathetic at the same time. Because I don't see myself dropping out of school for the reasons mentioned before.

But if I could make my current situation better, it would be pleasing. cause currently I feel like the dude from Fight Club that fills his life with stuff to mask empy and not living.

Minor Existential Crisis

what am I doing here in Galesburg, in the assfuck middle of know where, 900 miles away from home?

cause my whole "live each day as though it were yr last" policy is not holding up right now. and I'm thinking, "how did I get here?"
Here as in having a million meetings, having a PLANNER, tiptoeing around passive aggressive people, having scheduled times to eat, and living this structured life. I HATE SCHEDULES.

I know, i sound/am a brat.
I am privileged to be on this computer and receiving a college education. I believe the statistic is that only 1 in 100 people world wide have access to both. and it also says even more about privilege the fact that i enough people that have access to both these things, that i would feel out of place if i DIDN'T have it.

I acknowledge this. I really do. and that is part of why I am here. because I was born in country where the majority of it'sp people can't even dream of doing what I am doing. because my mother, grandmother, most cousins, and family members in Peru never had this oppurtinity, to recieve this education and options to travel wherever i want. Because I know the pride that bring to my family, to know that "one of them" made it that far, I can't quit out.

cuz it's not just my ass and my pride, it's theirs. and I can do whatever the fuck i want with myself but when it's their hopes, expectations and dreams, I cannot/ will not fuck with that.

and I'm not bitching about it because "it's hard". It's challenging but I LIKE MY CLASSES so that's not the problem. I can't really pinpoint it either.

Thing is, I never wanted to go to college. ever. because I hate institutions and when I was in high school i felt like a stray dog with her tail between her legs. and college is different form high school, yeah i know. but it's not for me. It's not and I've known this for a long time. I knew this when I was filling out applications two years ago. I knew it when I dropped out of Earlham, I knew it when I was cutting classes at Queens, and I know it now when I'm getting A's on midterms and organizing events outta my ass.

Like, it's not worth debating because I'm NOT going to drop out or anything. I'm going to graduate and have the BS degree the end.

But what after that, become a social worker and have 2.5 kids and a white picket fence?
i feel that somehow that has pushed itself somehow, by conditioning me to structure via school.

like since when did I want a 'career'?

shit. I want change. and I thhough thats what I would try to do as soon as I got this whole school shit out of the way. but it seems fucking impossible because after the school shit theres the job shit. and I don't know.
I want the freedom to leave and go as I please. and when Im stuck in structural shit like shcool, monogamous relationships, etc I feel like I can't do that.

well, fuck, it had to be my pen pal too.

so Chris McIntosh, dude I been writing to for a bit now, turns out to be a racist sexist shit. great.
i mean when i wrote to him he just said typical white-boy-not-aware-of- white skin-and-male-privilege things, which i thought if one just called him out on that's all that would be needed cause dude's an anarchist. But noooo he's a straight, flat out, white-power tattood turd.
shit.
here's Earth Liberation Prisoner Network's mesage:


Dear Friends

Just under two weeks ago ELP announced we were suspending from our prisoner lists the American prisoner Christopher 'Dirt' McIntosh, who is currently imprisoned for a failed arson against a McDonalds restaurant. Following our investigation ELP has decided to permanently remove McIntosh from our lists and encourage others to do likewise. Our reasons for this decision are detailed below:

WARNING - The below statement contains direct quotations of some of the racist and sexist words that Christopher 'Dirt' McIntosh has written to some of his supporters. If you are offended by racist or sexist language please do not read the below statement. We do not deliberately wish to offend anyone, but we are using McIntosh's own words to demonstrate his new found politics.

On the 8th of February 2008 a well known and highly respected former ALF prisoner contacted ELP to raise his concerns about the American prisoner Christopher 'Dirt' McIntosh.

The former ALF prisoner supplied ELP with letters written by Christopher 'Dirt' McIntosh to some of his supporters. In his letters McIntosh uses highly offensive racist language and referred to black people as "fucking mud people".

In his letters McIntosh talks about white supremacy and how he would be prepared to die for white supremacy. We understand he has also talked to other supporters about his belief in white supremacy.

In addition to this McIntosh also talks about Social Darwinianism (a racist/sexist corruption of Darwin's theory of evolution) and the superiority of white people. McIntosh states "Darwinistically speaking, niggers are natural slaves, so fucking one is like fucking a cow." (ELP again understands that McIntosh has also spoken to other supporters about his belief in Social Darwinianism).

McIntosh asked one female supporter if she'd ever had sex with a black man before referring to white women who have sex with black men as "whores". McIntosh described black men who have sex with white women as "dogs".

Continuing on his sexist line, McIntosh states he has returned to eating meat and asked a female supporter if she missed eating meat. He then stated when he was a vegetarian "I suffered because I loved the taste [of meat] - But maybe my being male with different hormones and drives separates our experiences there, once again Darwinistically speaking".

Because of his racist and sexist comments ELP decided to suspend Christopher 'Dirt' McIntosh from our prisoner lists with immediate effect and publically request any other offensive material McIntosh had written. Our subsequent investigations have shown that:

1) McIntosh has adopted White Supremacist views whilst in prison. A number of people have contacted ELP saying that McIntosh has started to associate with a racist gang and has even gone as far as to get a racist 'white power' tattoo. In a letter to one of his supporters McIntosh enclosed a photo of himself and referred to his tattoo which was not visible in the photo. He told another supporter how he would show off his tattoo upon his release from prison.

2) McIntosh, through his Social Darwinian beliefs, thinks that 'might makes right', or as he puts it in one of his letters "supremacy to the strongest".

3) McIntosh has told at least one female supporter that it is okay for a man to rape a woman (under his 'might makes right' theme).

4) ELP has had it confirmed that since going into prison McIntosh has abandoned his vegetarian diet and has reverted to eating meat.

So on the grounds that McIntosh is a racist, sexist, meat eating, white supremicist, who believes it is okay for the strong to bully the weak and it is okay for a man to rape a woman, ELP is permanently ending our support for Christopher 'Dirt' McIntosh. We denounce McIntosh as a racist, sexist, fascist. We encourage all other prisoner support campaigns to remove him from their lists and we warn all our supporters against supporting this man.

Please feel free to forward this e-mail.

Earth Liberation Prisoners Support Network
BM Box 2407
London
WC1N 3XX
England
www.spiritoffreedom.org.uk