Conclusion

I do have an alcohol problem. I've had 2 black outs and 2 hospital rides in the past year.
because of drinking excessivley. and i dont want this ti ruin/ take over my life. yet i hate the feeling of being told I can't have something, even if it's me doing ht telling. I hate limitation. My tarot card is the Trump card for excess and impulse; The Devil. I like extremes because it makes me feel so alive.
I like fucking letting go.
And my problem is I have to get drunker than others to feel satisifed with my drunkenness.
I talked to devyn about this for a good while. he was so supportive as usual.
and gave metips to control my drinking and let me know that this wasn't the end of it all.
I can take control of my decisions and actions. I have made the choice to cool down on the partying. I'm happy because today although getting offered a million times and getting made fun of for taking "wuuuaaater" (yes mock my new york accent) instead, i didnt take the whiksy or beer offered to me.
granted I got high instead. but I don't have a problem with weed.
I can control that, and although quite high i made the decission to leave and not smoke past a number of hits.

tommorow i wake up early to donate blood and go swimming with Nea. then farenheit 451 and public speaking. then the radical foods group. I am so inspired in campous. we have ac ommutntiy garden, a free store and its completely rad!!and we may be starting a food not bombs which im thrilled about.


I hope I can keep this promise to myself not to drink. it helps that I havent gotten to the point of physical addiction.
It would ge great to have a support group to go to. but AA is for 12 stop "give up power" motherfuckers. and believing in a higher power christian shit. which doesn't work for me.