word vomit

it's too cold to sleep tonight
We could freeze to death I warn
It's so hard to want to fight
When you wish you were never born

This time you're gonna have to choose
You can stick with me, but you're gonna lose
But it's the same thing that I hear
Ya can't go home and ya can't stay here

And I'd do anything it takes
I wish that I could change it all
But I'll drown in the pain of my mistakes
Cause when I'm done searching, you know I'm gonna fall

We'll get a bottle to keep us warm
A little fuckin' shelter from the wicked storm
But it's the same thing that I hear
Ya can't go home and ya can't stay here - Leftover Crack


It's not that I miss home. It's not that things are particularly shitty here.
I just feel trapped.
knowing imma spend 4 years here and get24,000+ dollars in debt and a useless liberal arts degree. and do what with it? be a social worker? no that requires grad school and fuck me if im gonna do that. I want to learn "the secret" of the kids in brooklyn. how the fuck dont you gotta job and can afford an apartment and food on your'e plate so you can do activism and be so fucking free. i'm a liar if i say i'm not the least bit envious because i'd kill to live without a job so i could devote myslef doing anything i want.

i have aquaintances here no one who's really a friend.
and i can't do clique but thats the way the world works. everyone' gotta click and i jsut wander without any 'friend insurance" security.


i'm not miserable here. i just feel like somehting is "off" and i should be doing something else, like living for the moment. instead of succumbing to an institution because i dont know what it is i want to do. i'm waiting for something life changing. i want to paint. instead im taking classes im not passionate about public speaking, some mandotry freshmen bullshit intro course, and anthroplogy. anthro's not bad. but everything else i can live without.
and and especially cause i keep hearing all this shit. the eric mcdavid case, the parade without a permit, so much stuff, rod cornado, etc and i'm so...idle. that's it. i hate idle-ness and i feel i've reached a plateau in my life. i really hate comrpisieng myself to anythign wether a perosn or shcool. it feels like bondage.